Headline, September08, 2013



10. A.M.      Doctor's appointment. ''Doc, I have my first art opening tonight and it's about Hitler and people are coming from all over the country and I need something so I don't pass out, collapse, hyperventilate, or die tonight.'' He gives me steroids. This is the first of many mistakes that I will make today.

10.30 A.M.   The steroids kick in. I am now officially overcaffeinated. I decide to have more coffee. This is my second mistake of the day.

11.35 A.M.    I drop off a case of drinks at the gallery. It will prove not to be enough. This is my third mistake of the day.

12.19 P.M.    I have lost my ATM card. This my fourth mistake of the day.

12.20 P.M.    I have lost my briefcase. This is my fifth mistake of the day.

12.21 P.M.    I have lost my ATM card, my briefcase, I have a show featuring Hitler opening in hours, and my phone is ringing off the hook   -something's goota give!!

12.22 P.M.    That something is me. I snap. I yell. I scream. I throw things. The dog hides under the bed.

12.23 P.M.     I continue snapping.
12.24 P.M      I continue snapping.
12.25 P.M      I continue snapping.
12.26 P.M      I continue snapping.
12.27 P.M.     I continue snapping.
12.28 P.M.     I continue snapping.

12:29 P.M.  I stop snapping. The dog comes out from under the bed.
My briefcase is found. My ATM card is cancelled.

12:30 to 2:59 P.M. I have absolutely no memory of this part of the day.

3:00 P.M I finally lie down.

3:45 P.M. I stop lying down. This is my sixth mistake of the day.

4:15 P.M. What to wear? What goes best with Hitler? I decide on a suit. It's the first mistake I do not make today.

6:12 P.M I get to the show

6:13 P.M to 8:30 P.M. It's all a blur. God, there are a lot of people from my past and present here.

8:41 P.M. It is hot in here.

8:47 P.M Joe Ptyka utters the quote of the night : ''I'm going to buy the whole show so I can burn it.''

8:52 P.M. My daughter, Hallie tells me somebody just told her, ''Your father has some serious issue.''

9:30 P.M. I get to the bar. Mistakes seven through thirty-eight will take place here.

2:45 A.M I go to bed. I think of everybody who showed up. I get choked up. I cry like a baby.
Thank You, Hitler.

Apres Hitler, the good stuff: sold more than 40 prints, proving Hitler still sells; got only one bad review, saying I was  ''a David Levinthal rip-off without any of the talent''; David Levinthall tells me he likes my work and its ''perverse whimsy'' ; got a commission, albeit a pro bono one to do ''something like your Hitler thing, but without Hitler,'' to raise money for Jake and Hallie's French school; I say, ''I'll do Napoleon''; I do Napoleon.

 The Portland art museum inquires about a Hitler and Napoleon for its permanent collection; the Hallie Ford Museum wants Goring's Lunch for May 2006; Joe Pytka does not burn my stuff; my mom hangs Hitler's House, all fifty-five by forty inches of it, in her living room.

March 21, 2005: Bobby Short dies of leukemia.

Apres Hitler, the bad stuff: I spend a week in the hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung; a little old lady keeps coming into my room at all hours and muttering at me. My doctors determine I am allergic to Gleevec, the medicine that keeps me alive.

I need my next Hitler.

With respectful dedication to the Students, Professors and Teachers of Canada. See ya all on the World Students Society Computers-Internet-Wireless : ''' A Toast To Changing Expectations '''

Good Night & God Bless!

SAM Daily Times - the Voice of the Voiceless


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