Headline, August24, 2013

''' !!! OF WAR -&- WIND VANES : 


When I clicked on the link, on their Web site for more information on treatment, it of course, no surprise, directed me to a page that read ''Page Not Found.''

I told this doctor in Beverly Hills all about the initial screening at the VA, as well as why I never followed up on it. Weeks after visiting the VA, I finally received a phone call back to set up an appointment with a counselor there. but by then I had lost all interest in the matter, and never called them back. I had had a realization while I was seated in the waiting room, which looked like a casting call for  Born On The Fourth of July, with dozen of sullen veterans, a lot of whom were missing limbs and confined to wheelchairs, several proudly wearing ball caps that read: WWII VETERAN OR VIETNAM VETERAN.

I sat there with all my limbs intact, looked around, and realized in comparison I had absolutely nothing to bitch about. I thought no matter what horrific things I did or saw, it probably paled in comparison to these guys, you could see it in their eyes. I was lucky. My platoon wasn't wiped out. I wasn't living under a bridge in Santa Monica. Once I realized this, I walked out the door.

He then asked if I was suicidal, I told him no, though at times I do find myself thinking about how life feels a bit pointless now, and he asked how often I drank and How much, and after I told him, he suggested that it'd be good idea for me to cut back a little bit on my nightly consumption. Mentioned something about permanent liver damage. After taking more notes, he handed me a piece of paper : ''I believe cannabis is a medically appropriate treatment for this patient.''

Using his Mac laptop Web cam, the doctor took a quick snapshot of me sitting in his office and printed out the card and handed it to me. He said something about how the medical-marijuana card now allowed me to legally purchase cannabis, but to use discretion and also keep in mind that it was not ''Get Out of Jail Free'' card, which meant I could still get busted if I was not careful. For example don't smoke weed in your car.

I walked past two menacing security guards, both looking a bit bored standing by the main entrance of the ''Farmacy,'' which, once inside, felt nothing like any pharmacy I'd been in before, not even in Amsterdam. It was more like a head shop on Telegraph Avenue, with a dash of a festive co-op nonprofit-dot-org vibe.

On leaving the Farmacy, I stuck the lollipop in my mouth and rode my Vespa all the way back to the pad, paranoid the entire time that a suspecting black-and-white LAPD cab might pull me over for whatever reason, I can just the link right now on Drudge: ''Iraq-war veteran arrested in Hollywood with several pounds of medical marijuana brownies.......tells judge marijuana was to treat his PTSD.

There's a reason why I no longer drive a car and now own a Vespa scooter, and it's not because I've watched Quadrophenia one too many times. I tell people that it's because I save money on gas, sixty to eighty miles per gallon, which, in a way, is my middle finger to the Oil Industry. The other reason which I don't tell anybody, is that I probably would be in jail right now if I continued to drive a car in L.A. Twice I exited my vehicle to engage in violence on some busy street because of some idiot driving like shit here in L.A. Would I have done this before experiencing a year in Iraq? Hard to say, but thoughts of violence only went through my head when individuals decided to give me the finger.

When that happens, what I'm seeing is some guy who could give two shits. While I was over there, he was here, and not only that, he's in a polished luxury sedan, making over $100K, no cares in the world, hair styled, cell phone to the ear, doesn't have to worry about the Army calling him back up to active duty, or a phone call from a friend from the old platoon saying, ''Hey, did you hear? Such and such and so and so just got Killed.'' And now this bum is going to flip me off? When he's the one who is driving like the complete idiot?!!

I spent the entire weekend heavily medicated. At the time i was married and living in a loft apartment in downtown L.A. The reason why we moved into into a loft apartment was mainly because there are only four walls in a warehouse loft  -so I couldn't close the door and hole myself up in my room like I did all day and all night long at the last place we lived. I'd be forced to be in the same room with my wife. But what happened instead was I put up invisible walls all around me.

I'D wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said ''yes''  to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there.............'' My wife was the love of my life, the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but when I came back from Iraq, she was a complete stranger to me, as I was to her. I couldn't relate to her, and she couldn't to me. So I don't blame her at all for not wanting anything to do with me anymore.

Hell, at times I don't want anything to do with myself either. But whatever, I left L.A. for San Francisco.       

This heart rendering Post and essay continues. Don't miss the following one.

With respectful dedication to the Students, Professors and Teachers of Vietnam. See Ya all on the World Students Society Computers-Internet-Wireless : ''What The Students Are Made Of.''

Good Night & God Bless!

SAM Daily Times - the Voice of the Voiceless


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