THE ETHICIST TAP : DYING MOTHER [A] -2

The idea of a holiday with the whole family could be a good one, if it had a real chance of going well. You think it could go badly, in part because of the storm and stress in your relations with your mother, and in part because your relations with your sibling are strained, as well.

It seems to me that you should talk these things through with your mother, explaining that you want to spend meaningful time with her but that you may sometimes be happier, and closer to her, when you spend time together without the rest of the family.

You might also think about other ways of giving her the companionship she seeks. You should tell her, gently but firmly, how you feel, and in turn listen to how she feels.

[ And anticipate that she will want to discuss your relationships with your sibling. ]

If you hope to be on better terms with her as she enters this last phase of her life, honesty and kindness will serve you both well.

So while you have a reason to make a special effort to be present for her, you're not obliged to organize your family life around her wishes. Nor would it serve anyone very well to plan a vacation around an image of family harmony that the trip is unlikely to sustain.

Given that your sibling wants to help make mother's remaining years as good as they can be, perhaps all of you can think together about ways of spending time with her that have a real chance of bringing pleasure rather than pressure.

That would probably be a better gift to her than a vacation that risks leaving everyone bruised and apart.

!WOW! thanks most profoundly Professor Kwame Anthony Appiah.